Chapter 2
Observations

We have worked a combined total of 55 years in the middle school setting, Tim as a teacher and counselor, and Deb as a teacher, school psychologist and counselor. Plus, we’ve each gone through the tween years with our own children and stepchildren. Parents have often asked us, “What kinds of changes have you seen over the years?” We’d like to highlight a few of our observations for you here:

1. There is much less face-to-face communication. On field trips these days, it is not uncommon to see kids texting each other even when they are sitting next to each other on the bus! Facebook, twitter, and instant messaging are all easy ways to communicate, and can get the word out about opportunities in a hurry. But “quick” often leads to miscommunication and misunderstandings. It is harder for tweens to master the once-natural art of conversation, using the skills of eye contact and good listening (Handrich & Schroeder, 2010). It is so much easier to bully someone when you can’t see the hurt on her face. Mean comments through media are often reinforced by friends and others, who cheer on the hurt. Our “mob mentality” kicks in much easier through media.

2. Today’s tweens have access to so much via television and the internet, creating a much more savvy generation. They may or may not become desensitized to the sarcasm, violence and sexual behaviors to which they are often exposed. Parents and families are frequently unaware of how much exposure their children have had, so may not counterbalance that influence with discussions and family time. In talking with middle school students and their parents separately, it is amazing how often parents do not even realize that kids are very aware of the issues which cause parental concern. For example, parents come in and ask how to tell their tween about an upcoming divorce, sure that the tween has no idea; yet often the tween has been talking to the counselor for weeks about the fear that parents are headed for divorce. Tweens are much more in tune with the world around them than we give them credit for.

3. Growing cynicism of many institutions trickles down to our tweens as well. There have been many news stories of problems with clergy, scout leaders, teachers, politicians, coaches, among others. These stories, when combined with many parents’ unhappy experiences in school or other institutions, can lead to a mistrust of the schools and a tendency for parents to always back their kids when a problem arises. Kids see this and may lose trust in teachers, or possibly even manipulate situations, knowing that one or both parents will most likely believe the tween’s side of the story.

4. Faith/spiritual beliefs do not seem to have the emphasis they once did. Sports and organized activities have pushed into time slots that were typically held sacred for church or religious education. Many families are frustrated and turned off by organized religions. This may enhance the cynical beliefs and behaviors of tweens. At an age when learning about the world outside of family is very important, a faith community can provide many adult role models who share similar convictions and beliefs of the parents, reinforcing what is taught at home. Faith can also give a tween an anchor when life becomes overwhelming.

5. Family structure has changed dramatically. The level of support, encouragement and quality time spent with kids is not as high as it once was. Parents are often working longer hours to maintain the amazing homes and possessions that we love and may feel that we “owe” to our children. Many kids travel back and forth between homes, often with different rules, values and structure set by each parent or family. During the teenage years, kids grow as much physically, emotionally and intellectually as they do from ages zero to two, and need the security and safety of a loving family, whether traditional or not, to learn about dealing with conflict, relationships, values, and their changing minds and bodies. In this fast-paced world, carving out quality family time is a challenge for all. There is no doubt that kids value their families, and our survey results emphasized that fact. When family members spend time with tweens, it helps the kids feel valued and a part of a team - his or her family. This is not the time to let your child fly solo. Kids who do fly solo will find plenty of other influences like TV, Facebook, the internet, texting, video games, and other electronic sources. And those will not necessarily be the experiences we want our kids to have.

6. Many tweens have passion, enthusiasm, and a willingness to learn. They are, for the most part, sincere, genuine, and amazing thinkers and doers. Their comments can range from profound to absurd, and childlike to adult depending on the day. They reveal a wisdom and a free spirit which can be a breath of fresh air as they think about their lives and futures. Unfortunately, at times, even though tweens seem to know what they want and maybe even how to get there, they may not want to put in the work and energy needed to make it happen. Some just don’t want to work hard, but many more are afraid to fail. We adults may see this as laziness or lack of motivation, but kids are often so worried about what peers think about them …….