I stumbled blindly through my door, and slammed it shut with a bang. Falling down onto my bed, I let the tears fall onto my crossed arms, and sobbed, “Why don’t they understand?”

Agitated pacing resounded below my room, and I angrily beat my fists into my pillow. “They don’t care!” I rasped. “They don’t care at all! They don’t understand me, because they don’t want to!”

I turned over onto my back and stared up at my white ceiling, my anger melting away into melancholy. “Maybe it would be better if I just disappeared.” I whispered.

Scowling, I sat up in bed and rubbed my hands over my face, “No, no, no! I’m stupid just for thinking something like that.”

Moaning wearily, I rolled off the side of my bed and crawled to the window. As I pulled back the curtains, the sun immediately streamed in through the clear glass, and I watched the trees in my backyard sway in the breeze.

“What would happen if I did disappear?” I asked aloud. Without another thought, I got up, walked to my closet, pulled out an old book bag, and began stuffing random things into it. “Nothing, that’s what. No one would care if I disappeared! In fact, they would probably be better off without me!”

When I was satisfied that I had everything I would need, I tiptoed down the stairs. Peeking around the corner into the kitchen, I saw that my parents had gone somewhere else. When I was sure that they would not hear me, I quickly ran to the refrigerator and the pantry closet, grabbed a few of my favorite snacks and stuffed them into the bag too.

As I walked by the kitchen table, I briefly thought about writing a note telling them where I was going, then I snorted in disgust. Let them worry about me for once; I’m done being their good, little girl.

Slowly and carefully, I opened the front door and walked out into the October air. Pausing momentarily, I let the wind’s somewhat chilly arms wrap around me and caress me, then I vaulted over the side railing and ran straight to the wood line that was behind my house.

Before I entered the woods surrounding my house, I looked back one last time, shook my head, then walked down the slight incline that led into the forest.

Walking among the various tall trees, I began to feel more at peace, as if all my rage were disappearing. I smothered a soft chuckle wondered why I always felt so content among the trees.

What is it, God? I thought as I placed my hand on one gnarled trunk and felt its roughness against my soft palm. What is it that puts me at ease out here under a canopy of leaves?

A sudden movement between some trees broke into my thoughts. Hoping it was a deer, I slowed my steps and tried to catch a glimpse of it. Taking a few deep breaths, I silently stepped off the path, and hid behind a tree. After resting against its solid strength for several seconds and I did not hear any retreating footsteps, I silently congratulated myself on not being heard.

Tentatively, I peeked around the edge of the tree into a small clearing, and saw—

Nothing.

Sighing disappointedly, I walked over to a large rock that was conveniently resting next to a small stream and sat down. The early afternoon sunshine filtered through the treetops to shine down onto branches half-filled with gold, bronze, and crimson leaves.

I was surprised that I had not found this small meadow before, but just sitting there in the middle of this clearing with the surrounding trees towering over me, creating a soundless sanctuary, made my soul feel at ease. Soundless except for the wind that blew between the tree branches, causing the sun’s warm rays to shift with each movement of the upper boughs, tinting the large, flat rock with golden freckles.

Below the trees, the small creek flowed beside my rock, filling the small glade with the soothing sound of gushing, gurgling water, pausing only to lap gently at the grass as it trickled downstream.

On the forest floor, mingled with the fallen leaves, were small autumn flowers, adding stains of pale purple to the radiant sunset colors. A gust of wind blew through the trees and I shivered even in my warm, green sweater. I watched as the leaves danced on the forest floor and the tiny flowers bent until they seemed to almost kiss the earth before springing back into place as the wind finally admitted defeat.

With a smile on my face, I carefully walked around the blossoms, and sat down on the rock. With the warm stone beneath my jeans, I untied my shoes, pulled off my socks, then tilted my face to the sun. Without consciously realizing it, I placed my feet into the cool water and relaxed as I felt it run over my bare toes. After stretching once, I laid down on the rock. Closing my eyes, I let my conflicting thoughts fade away.

Fade away? Yes, fade away. Maybe I should just fade away.

Maybe they would be happier if I faded away. Would anybody notice? If I faded away, right now, would anyone even notice that I was gone?

“Who cares?” I said aloud, turning my head to the side, and allowing the tears to flow freely. “It would be best for everyone. All I do is cause them to worry. All I give them is pain. I should fade away. Then I couldn’t hurt anybody anymore. Then—nobody could hurt me.”

Am I being a coward, God? Am I just running away from everything?

My voice broke and I swallowed convulsively before I continued my confession to the silently listening air. “But I still wish—I wish I would just fade away.”