1000 Word Excerpt: A Divorced Dads Guide to Seeing Your Kids
Successful Mediation and Negotiation


After driving for four and a half hours, I rushed up the steps of the courthouse, my head down looking through my notes, my breathing a bit fast from nervous energy, preparing myself for a court hearing. Upon opening the massive outside door, however, standing there was my attorney who said, The opposing council would like to meet for a minute and see if we can work this thing out.

Fine. Ill go along with anything that will make this easier. But once inside the meeting, the opposing attorney proceeded to change everything that had already been agreed to and introduce new issues which my attorney and I had to talk about individually out in the hallway. Back and forth we would go. The clerk of court scurried in numerous times to say the judge was waiting for us. I was told we had to act now, make a decision.

I didnt know what to do. My attorney had no practical advice to give and I ended up being railroaded into changes in my divorce decree that would come back to haunt me. All because of some fundamental flaws in negotiation that I did not adhere to and my attorney did not protect me from.

Mediation is the same; its all about negotiation. Mediation is a non-combative way for divorced couples to resolve their disputes. A skilled mediator is an objective third party with knowledge about family law and conflict resolution techniques. The process of mediation can vary from county to county, but the outcome is the same; it is the couples final opportunity to work things out themselves before a judge steps in and makes the decision for them

Here are some specific techniques that will help you in this matter of negotiations and getting through mediation.

First, five fatal flaws that will kill you in any negotiation:

1) Perceived pressure. The key word is perceived. Walk away from anything that will turn out to be a bad deal for you and your kids. There will be other times to talk, even if the other side is trying to tell you NOW is the only time you have to make a deal. That is simply not true.

There are many forms of pressure that may be exerted such as extreme demands, threats, refusal to budge in any direction, self-imposed time constraints or a manipulative request for trust or an appeal to just get it done or else.

This is too important. Other court dates can be set and the judge can wait. This is about your relationship with your kids. Take your time to talk and think through your options. NEVER give in to pressure.

2) Fatigue (physical and emotional). The famous quote from General Patton is, (Fatigue makes cowards of us all.( Your tendency during this difficult time will be not to eat right, not get enough sleep and do harmful things in excess such as booze, smoking and drugs-- things that cause your mind to be clouded and your emotions frazzled to the point where you make poor decisions. Keep your head clear. Take long walks. Eat well, even when you dont feel like it. And be ready for your negotiation, energized and sharp.

3) Unclear outcomes. If you dont know what you want or what you should have, you will come up short-changed every time (see the chapter ( Know Your Rights(). Know before you go into a negotiation what you want to accomplish, specifically and reasonably. Shoot for the moon, but be ready to accept the stars.

4) Bullying and intimidation. The opposing side will use anything to gain an advantage. Stares, grumbling, shaking their heads, acting outraged. Dont fall for the bait. They want you to react to them, rather than thinking about what you are working to accomplish. Instead, ignore their antics, look at your notes and proceed ahead. Dont do this kind of behavior yourself and dont acknowledge it from others.

5) Failure to D.O.R. Before you ever enter a negotiation, always fill out a sheet that contains the Details, Objections & Responses.

What are the details for what you are asking? In other words, what are your high interest issues? What do you really care about in the big picture? What are you trying to accomplish in the end?

What are the anticipated objections you will hear? What assumptions can you anticipate will be brought up by the other party? What are their interests in opposing your request?

And what will be your response to those objections? What other options or alternatives are you willing to offer?

If you dont write it down, you will be working from your faulty memory and will be more likely to give an emotional response over one that is reasonable and well-thought out.

Here, then, are the five elements you need to be successful in mediation and negotiation:

1) Pre-plan using your D.O.R. sheet. Lack of preparation is our number one handicap when entering and negotiation/ mediation. This tool will help clarify what you specifically desire and also where you can be flexible in order to reach a reasonable conclusion. Without it you will be a slave to your emotions, which will tend to be triggered negatively by past hurts, memories or issues.

2)Take 10 before you leave your car. You do not want to enter any negotiation/mediation with a scattered and emotionally charged mind. Youve done your pre-planning. Now take 10 minutes to set your thoughts and emotions to neutral. No major highs or lows. Do not think about seeing this person youd rather not see. Focus on the wonderful outcome of seeing your kids and what you are here to accomplish. Smile. Breathe slowly. Bring yourself into a calm state of mind. This is the inner state that you will endeavor to maintain throughout the proceeding.

3) Stay calm and focused. When you feel your blood pressure rise, stop and breathe. Lower your voice to just above a whisper, and keep your negative emotions under control. Do not let anything detract you from your mission, especially yourself. If the other party tries to hit your hot button, just calmly reply, (That is another topic for another time. Lets return to ______,( and then get back to the issue at hand.