Dear #######'
DO NOT BE ALARMED. I would never give away your cloying secrets. But don't kid yourself; I know who you are.
You see, I've seen you staring at me in the foyer when I come to take charge of Sisco on Saturday mornings. Your hazel eyeballs have given you away. Don't think I don't get IT. I've noticed how your eyes hover over me, darting around my body like a laser. Picked up on your malingering stare. (I caught you eyeing my butt one day when I left the bathroom door open to tease my hair. Mirrors do reflect in case you didn't know.) When you do acknowledge me (if you do at all), your retinas hover around my chest instead of making eye contact. OMG! Do you think I'm that much of a dumb blonde? Really...
So in deference to the fact that you will never, ever have me, I am sending you these tokens of esteemlessness. (1) Since you would no doubt like to run your gruff fingers through my saintly pubic hairs (not to mention your liar's tongue), I have sent you one (enclosed). And (2) since you'd love to use your sizable nose to sniff me in luscious places I have rubbed certain of my pheromones on special spots (UR, LL) so that you may inhale (which is as much as you can ever hope for) (just the thought of you turns my tummy icky) the essence of my sensuality. Enjoy...
Yours truly,
Misha T, the babe
P.S. I'm even hotter than your pathetic, perverted little mind could ever imagine.
Trust me.

Turning the envelope upside down, something fell out. Hesitant to exhale,lest it vanish, he pulled a small magnifying glass from his desk drawer and examined the specimen. There it was, a curly fury of blackness culled from the mine of her smoky mound.