Bob E.: Why have You decided to do this interview now?
God: You asked. Most people who talk to Me are just praying for strength or to win the lottery.
Bob E.: Lots of people claim to communicate with You. Care to comment?
God: Many people pray to Me. Some of them think they hear voices. Most of the people who hear voices are crazy. You can imagine how difficult it would be to answer all prayers. The average person can’t even keep up with the e-mails they get.
Bob E.: Why are the greatest oil reserves in the Middle East?
God: I have to admit this was one of My mistakes. Then again, I didn’t know the Arabs would turn out to be such assholes. On top of which, they don’t even believe in Me. I guess I could redistribute the oil. Fighting for it builds character, though. And a lot of people can use a little character. Bob E.: Why did my father die at such a young age?
God: Everyone thinks I have a master plan. This is not so. After creating the heavens and the earth in six days, I rested. A day was a lot longer back then than it is now. In fact, I’m still resting. What I did was create a random-event machine. It’s similar to a random-number-generator. Events take place, and they may or may not affect you for better or worse. I’m sure you’ve heard the expressions “shit happens” or “your number is up.”
Bob E.: The Jews say they’re the “chosen people.” If this is true, what are they chosen for?
God: If it makes them feel good about themselves, so be it. You’re all God’s children.
Bob E.: Who gets to go to heaven?
God: Well, the jury is still out on you, if that’s what you want to know. A lot of people will be shocked when they enter the pearly gates and see who’s here. The Christians believe that if you believe and are baptized, it’s a done deal. This is not necessarily the case. Those people on death row, who claim they found Jesus, are going to be in for a big shock. Last week a boy in the Amazon was killed by a school of piranhas. He was not baptized and never heard of Me. He’s up here with Me now, though. Bob E.: Speaking of Jesus, is He really your Son?
God: Well, 33 percent of the world’s population believes He is. Now that I think about it that’s only slightly better than George Bush’s approval rating when he left office. Short of a paternity test, there’s no way to prove it. Even though I created DNA, I don’t have any Myself. I will say this — when you get to heaven you’ll find out.
Bob E.: In the Bible, there’s reference to a lot of miracles. Why don’t we have any miracles today?
God: That depends on how you define miracle. People believe that if their child is run over by a truck and the doctors say there’s no hope, but he lives, it must be a miracle. It’s not a miracle. It’s medicine. If you mean turning water into wine or parting the Red Sea, those were real miracles. People today are too skeptical for miracles to work. In the eighteen hundreds, I sent a few angels to earth. They performed miracles, and they were charged with witchcraft and burned at the stake.
Bob E.: Thousands of years ago there were a lot of evil people on earth, so You sent a big flood. What did we do to deserve Britney Spears?
God: She’s not punishment. I’m only having a little fun. I gave everyone free will. Every so often, I create a few people to see how stupid a person can act; e.g. Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.
Bob E.: Why did Moses wander around in the desert for forty years?
God: First of all, it wasn’t really forty years in today’s terms. Remember, Moses had no maps and no GPS. The compass wasn’t even invented until the eleventh century. What’s more amazing is the number of people who followed a person around who didn’t know where he was going.
Bob E.: The Jews have been praying for peace for thousands of years. Are You ignoring them?
God: Not really. Remember, patience is a virtue. Furthermore, I have a different concept of time than you do. I don’t even own a watch.
Bob E.: Toby Keith has a song on his Shock’n Y’All CD called “If I was Jesus.” Does this offend You?
God: Lighten up Bob E. It’s a fun song. My favorite on that CD is “I Love This Bar.”
Bob E.: I understand mankind started with Adam and Eve. So where did the Chinese and Negroes come from?
God: You’re not taking the Bible literally, are you? I didn’t think you were that stupid.
Bob E.: Was Barack Obama born in the USA?
God: I’m embarrassed by the “birther” movement. These people are dumber than a bag of hammers. Obama was born in Hawaii, which is one of the fifty states. I should remind you that McCain was born in Panama, which is not in the USA. It’s only due to some legal loophole that McCain’s considered a naturalized citizen.
Bob E.: Would you care to comment on the Westboro Baptist Church?
God: It’s the downside to giving people free will. Much like radical Islam, these people don’t have a clue. They’ll all burn in hell. Or maybe I’ll admit them to heaven and have them report to a gay angel.
Bob E.: Is Christine O’Donnell a witch?
God: What do you think?
Bob E.: I knew You were Jewish. You just answered a question with a question.
God: Sorry Bob E., I have to run. George Bush is saying his bedtime prayers, and I don’t want to miss them. Even I enjoy a good laugh.
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