Before I get to Global Freezing you should know I room in college with a tolerant student named Curtis Stone. He’s not much of a conversationalist, as he’s preoccupied with some secret vow. He’s smart and studies trying to graduate a year ahead; he succeeded. He comes from a wealthy family that easily affords his tuition and expenses. We both take liberal Arts programs and I expect he’ll switch to law and obtain a degree. His main interest is gangsters and the operations of mobs and drug runners. Reads about them.

Curtis is on the rifle team and wins every competition he enters. Everyone likes him, but none really know him, as he hasn’t much social life. In my observation he could have dated any of the popular beauties in school, but he never dated one of them. What he does on weekends when he goes home, he never says. I thought he might be a closet Gay, until a cute girl walked past us.

Curtis asked, “She’s a beauty. Why don’t you date her?”

She wasn’t smiling at me. I said, “She smiled at you.”

“I can’t get involved. I have other commitments.”

Curtis Stone never explained further. I guessed he was committed to marrying some girl for whatever reason. Maybe to cement two families together.

Curtis Stone graduated a year ahead and we shook hands and said we’d keep in touch. We soon lost track of each other and I graduated with solid A’s in deportment. I discarded my Liberal Arts degree when I met Professor Dratsab and he convinced me that I was a conservative.

Professor Dratsab alerted me that we’re not in the cycle of Global warming; we’re in the cycle of Global freezing. He said everything spins and so does the weather over periods of time. His theory is backed by the testimony of people that have experienced it’s colder than hell. All one needs to do is go outside in freezing weather without thermal garments to become a believer in his theory.

At this period I was a liberal that believed politicians and I joined all parades for liberal causes. I was baffled in one parade for women’s rights, as women on the sidewalk booed me when I walked by carrying a sign. At the end of the parade I saw someone had added DON’T to my sign above the words to vote for women’s rights.

I use the Alias, Ala Sandpile. When I was four I had three cousins move to California from a farm in South Dakota. We were four or five years old and hadn’t yet attended school. They couldn’t pronounce my last name, Alexander; and they called me Alasandpile. So I became Ala Sandpile and discovered people remembered me because of my name.

I planned for the future by investing in consequential items such as my purchase of a bargain priced cremation funeral. Survivors will know what to do with my body when the terrorists destroy Southern California; assuming the local and federal politicians haven’t done it first.

Before Professor Dratsab suffered Alzheimer’s he taught abstract theory at the institution. He lectured Global freezing was a blessing, as it will keep foods from spoiling for a much longer period of time than Global warming. Few people took stock in what he said, and it never got listed on the Exchange of any country. I bought a few shares to help him and I use the blank backside for a tablet.

One of the reasons the myriad of misinformed people doubt the veracity (not his verbosity) of Professor Dratsab, is how he spells his name. He explains it is advantageous to spells his name backward, as it draws attention and the publicity derived is beneficial whether good or bad.

I became a disciple of his when he pointed out that a few billion tiny people could not alter the temperature of the huge earth. He said if all the living people would gather and urinate at the same time, it wouldn’t noticeable raise the ocean. He conceded it would probably muddy up the ground in congested areas. If they all held their breath for ten minutes the living would use up the saved oxygen from the energy it took to bury the dead. He points out that only a few Japanese women can hold their breath that long when diving for pearls. I’ve heard they do not wear bathing suits, but I have not been able to local any pictures as yet.

Professor Dratsab admits spouting silliness is necessary to gain attention. He seriously says Global warming has enriched its supporters tons of money from appropriations. But, Dratsab contends thousands scientists upon thousands of scientists pile up erroneous information. (he denies he isn’t literally accusing them of getting on top of each other, though many probably secretly couple.)

Thankfully, there are weather specialists with the title meteorologists that know the temperature of the earth cycles from warm to cold over its periodical change.

On days when there is nothing but murders and tragedies to report, reporters sometimes interview Professor Dratsab to express his views to fill out a page of ads. He is always glad to oblige. Yesterday he said, “Way down deep in hell there are fires that even firemen sent there can’t extinguish. But this is nature’s way of stabling temperatures with the freezing air above the surface of planets. Our astronauts needed thermal suits to walk around the moon that is only a micro second from earth by universal time measurement.”

I was surprised the newspaper printed this. Dratsab told the reporter, “Now the media is reporting that the population of the polar bears is falling. Who’s counting them? Polar bears are huge vicious animals with white fur the color of snow. And they roam around a lot looking for seals and crippled Eskimos. They have the ability to also see white people and eat them. I don’t know about people with dark skin, as I haven’t heard about a polar bear eating one of them. I’m waiting to hear from Jesse Jack Hass (the expert on showing up places to be seen) if he lost anyone he’s known to a polar bear. I may not hear from him, but the media should headline the truth. If the polar bears are actually dying off, it is because they are freezing to death.