Sitting on the edge of my bed. Wringing my hands and sighing. Feeling as though I have nothing, as though I am nothing. Mustering up the false courage and the brave face to show to the rest of the world and hopefully get through another day.
That feeling of being fragmented and disconnected.
A mind in turmoil, an empty heart and a flat soul.
L.H

Is it all just me feeling sorry for myself? If only it were that simple.
Lost, confused and let down by others, by myself, by god and the universe.

It gets to the point where it hurts to even ask anymore, to hope anymore and to try anymore. Feeling abandoned and alone. Prayers and pleas and faith, unheard and unanswered. Efforts unrewarded.
In the midst of so much pain, confusion and turmoil, that it literally feels hard to breathe from moment to moment.
It’s a drowning desperation.
L.H.

I came to the realization that the rest of the world couldn’t understand what it is like to want to die. To want to stop all the pain, the tears and the heartache, all the struggling on the inside, all of the paralyzing fears, all the pretending and the trying to figure it all out. The nightmare of not being able to find lasting peace, comfort or happiness, through family or friendship, prayer, medication and meditation. To literally feel the emotional struggle of just taking one breath to the next. Deep and profound depression, despair, loneliness and feeling lost.
The endless journey from momentary temporary relief here and there, to having absolutely no answers to prayers and no understanding. So suicide becomes the one thing that you feel as though you have control over, when you feel as though you have control over nothing else.
There seems to be a general belief that suicide is about being selfish, stupid or just crazy. One of the first things said after the fact is, “Why didn’t they come to me? Why didn’t I see it coming? How could I have let them down? What was he/she thinking? It was a selfish and cowardly thing to do!.” I was having a conversation with a friend and the subject of suicide came up. They made the comment that “lack of intelligence” is what drives a person to comment suicide. So of course, I took it to mean that people who do it are stupid, as in low IQ, I suppose. I explained to them that it is not stupidity, or even necessarily insanity or loss of rationale. When you are carrying such a burden around, it literally becomes your mind and being. Your rationale and judgment becomes so completely and utterly clouded that clear choices and thought are impossible. Within your own mind and existence, the choice to die becomes perfectly clear to you and that is what matters the most. A final and comforting, clarity and control. My words fell on deaf ears, or at least ears that did not seem to want to understand.

I am not asking for pity or pardon for myself and others like me. I think that those who are living and thriving with the suicidal thoughts, with the despair, with the hopelessness and confusion, are the strongest people I know. Living with it and getting through each day is cause for celebration, for every twenty-four hours that you have made it through the struggle. And if you are out there not living and not thriving, you are not alone. You are stronger and braver then you realize for not letting it take you over. For choosing to find a way to live with it another day and continuing to search, hope and pray for your peace.

You are not the only one who cries yourself to sleep at night! You are not the only one who is fully awake and feels the pain and the longing of everything; or who knows the beauty and the wonder of life, love and existence, yet just can‘t feel any of it. You are not the only one who wonders why you are, the way you are. Why everything seems to hurt so badly, that you may be sitting there feeling as though no one else knows your kind of pain or joy or confusion; ambition or longing. That you might have been thinking just before this moment, and that you might think again as soon as this moment passes, that life is just not worth living anymore. That there may be a gun, a knife, a bottle of pills, a gas stove, a rope or window near by that you have made plans with.
No matter how alone in the world you are or how alone you may think you are, as long as there is someone else in the world thinking and feeling the same way you that you do, then indeed you are NOT alone!