He remained seated, keeping his eyes affixed to her face.

Joanna chose to remain standing, keeping her facial features rigged. “Many years ago I made a choice between a personal life with husband and family, or a career in music. Looking back, I realize I chose to give up men because I didn’t love enough to lay aside the talent God gave me. When that choice was made, I found my problem was only half solved, for the call came to lay aside the musical career and enter the ministry. Jonathan, I chose to dedicate my entire life to serve God. I made the choice to never marry and to block all avenues that would suggest otherwise. How I failed with you I am not able to understand.” Again, she held him back with her raised hand and shake of her head.

“I honor your love. I do not question it. I seem to feel it throughout my being. It is, as if, you have crowned me. Oh, but I dare not accept it. It would consume me, leaving me unfit to do service to which I have given my whole self.”

At her words, Jonathan was on his feet. Her effort to restrain his reaction was useless. He was reaching for her, only to be held at arm’s length, her hands against his chest. She did not turn away, but held her eyes steady, as he searched them. He saw the anguish, sincerity, and truth of her words; perhaps a love she did not know she possessed.

Something rose within him. He could have forced her into his arms, but he seemed to sense a deeper resistance. He would not argue with her. To do so would place them in a battle of wills. He knew she had surrendered her will to the Master. He had no desire to put her at war with the Lord. He would stay on neutral ground until he sensed the Lord’s leading, but he would not surrender her until he was sure there was no way to win her.

Jessie entered talking cheerfully about what a great day it had been, as she cleared the table beside Joanna’s chair. Jonathan thanked her for a lovely dinner and for making his Thanksgiving what it should be. As Jessie was ready to leave them, Jonathan put his arms around her and told her he would carry out the tray as he left and lock up where she could have the remainder of the evening to rest.

When Jessie closed the door behind her, Jonathan turned to Joanna, speaking softly, “Would you like for me to go?”

Had Joanna said ‘yes’ he knew he would have refused for in the minutes Jessie was with them he had found his answer.

“I want you to understand, Jonathan.” She spoke with compassion, not understanding the conflict within her soul.

Jonathan searched her face, reading there the war that was bringing waves of determination against some force of surrender.

“Are you saying you don’t want me to go on loving you? No, Joanna. God gave me this love as surely as you gave your life to serve Him. He didn’t make me aware of loving you without a purpose in mind.” She had been holding her cup, without drinking. He took it from her hands and placed it with his own down on the tray. With a determination stronger than her own he had decided to fight for her on her own ground. He took her by the shoulders. “Look at me, Joanna. How can you believe God would bring me to love you, unless he desires you to have that love for some purpose? No, don’t look away. I will not make demands on you, Joanna. I will seek the Lord and let the decision be His. But I shall love you still and forever. You cannot change that by your insistence of deciding never to marry. I will not leave here and you, unless God commands me to do so.”

Joanna was fighting for control. She shook her head back and forth as the tears shone in the depth of her eyes. Never had a man held her with such determination and tenderness. Her effort to remove his hands failed.

“It may take all the strength I possess to resist taking you into my arms until you surrender, Beloved, but unless God tells me to go, I shall not do so until He clarifies His will.”

Joanna could not hold his eyes with her own longer. She lowered them to rest on his chest.

Removing one hand, Jonathan took her chin and lifted it to force her to raise her eyes again to his face. “Give me your agreement to that, Joanna.” The demand was clear.

She swayed toward him as she closed her eyes. They were brilliant with tears that began to trickle down her cheeks. Her head came down on his chest. She was aware of the rapid beat of his heart. She felt him steel himself to allow her presence there in comfort; a haven. Anything more, he knew would have proven his words false.