Healing Heartaches,
Stories of Loss and Life

If I had a dime for each time I have heard the question, “what am I going to do” I would be a rich woman today. This is the question that most often follows the devastating news that there has been a death or a diagnosis with a terrible prognosis.

This begins what Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (www.ekrfoundation.org) coined as the five stages of Grief. In short: denial/shock. It is that moment in time when your ears, eyes, brain and nervous system are in dis-equilibrium. Your entire nervous system has received more information than you can reasonably process. You feel overwhelmed and in shock. It is during these first moments that you find your body getting cold and chilled, or really hot. You hear what people are saying but very little is truly making sense to you. Dr. Ross used the term “denial” for that first stage, but I believe that shock is a more accurate description.

She developed these stages of grief, thirty plus years ago, and as we know, knowledge develops over time. As we enhance our skills at understanding the process, so we add to the wealth of expertise in dealing with death and loss.

Dr. Elisabeth Kϋbler-Ross was a pioneer in death and dying. She remains one of my heroes. We all know that heroes can be hard to find. Dr. Ross described first, the known stages of grief. Many of us have used her work in developing tools to assist those who have suffered a loss and need support on their journey to healing.

These stages are visited and re-visited throughout the grief journey: denial (usually a temporary defense mechanism for coping), anger (now that I get it…, I’m angry, “why me”), bargaining, (I’ll do anything for a different outcome, or more time), depression (silent, suffering, refusing human contact, increased crying, “I’m so sad”), acceptance (it is real, how will I go on).

These stages were initially defined and used to understand the feelings of those who were dying. The stages were later used to better understand people who suffered any catastrophic personal loss, whether job loss, loss of health, freedom, the death of a loved one, divorce, addictions.

These five stages of grief are visited in no particular order. I suggest that they can be thought of as a circular rather than a linear process, one with a sure beginning, but no specific end. Rather, loss must be over time, incorporated into the fabric of one’s life.

The denial and shock in those first moments, hearing the news, may be short circuited as you are thrown into action; people coming and going, talking to doctors; police; family members… waiting for confirmation of your worst fears.

Some report a wailing that filled their senses, only to realize it was emanating from their own throat. What is this wetness on my face? Are these tears’ falling on my numb face, tears that will not stop? How can I not even remember to breath? Can this be possible? Can I survive this overwhelming ache that has overtaken me? I am standing in the middle of someone else’s nightmare, I can’t wake up.

People often shift into “auto-pilot” during this period of shock, making the arrangements, becoming task masters. Others, frozen, can’t leave the kitchen table.

Remember that morning on 9/11 when the nation watched, frozen, riveted as the planes hit the twin towers and the Pentagon? Many were mesmerized, not able to believe this had really happened, yet they sat and watched it again and again, until it sank in.

Every individual response and reaction is different, but each of us have a saturation point. Our mind and body’s defenses kick in and the physical response to shock numbs us. This self preservation slows the impact, allowing us to process what we can, as we can.

If you find yourself standing in the kitchen with a friend who is surrounded by krumpled kleeenexes, try to remember that it is your presence that is most helpful.

Find a task to do that doesn’t require input from your friend, something that will be helpful. When in doubt, do the dishes; make coffee, sit quietly, be available to answer the phone, be ready to offer a hug if requested. DO NOT SAY, “EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT, or I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL”. Trust me, you don’t.

If on the other hand, .you, are the one in that moment, and it is you sitting there with the krumpled kleeenexes all over the table and in your sleeve, it’s ok, to just sit there, for the moment, you only need to breathe.

Those firsts’ are beyond jagged; it is a time of trying to wrap your head and heart around some very difficult news with lifelong outcomes.

I worked with a lovely woman who told the story of her daughter’s death. What she did and how she felt. She planned the funeral service, hosted out of town guests, received visitors, and buried her child. All of this while her heart felt broken. She couldn’t imagine how she would go on. She wondered where the next breath would come from. As I listened to her story, I could almost see her pain. I could feel the tremendous love she had for her daughter. I came to know her daughter, through her. She shared with me many stories about her daughter’s life. Eventually she was able to share that she had begun receiving signs right after her daughters’ death. She came to understand that these were loving messages from her daughter. She knew it was her daughter trying to help her know that she was okay. I am honored to have been the recipient of her stories, and the stories of many others.

I freely, gladly share these stories. I believe that we can learn from each other. I know that as I have been privileged to walk beside these sojourners. I have learned so much from so many.