Blurb

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work.” The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.” Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?”

The older we get, there are fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Calculus and Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, “Mommy, are these my brains?” Mom said, “Not yet, honey.”

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, “Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!” The Chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.” “Not me, Chief!” the Seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!”

You know you're a redneck if…
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
1. An application was for employment.
2. A program was a TV show.
3. A cursor used profanity.
4. A keyboard was a piano!
5. Memory was something that you lost with age.
6. A CD was a bank account.
7. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you hoped nobody found out!

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat it - we're closed.

Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you eat it.

Q. How far can you have sex?
A. 68 miles, at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, “Lie to me!”

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q. Why do women have foreheads?
A. So we have a place to kiss them after we come in their mouths.

Q. What should you do if a girl sits on your hand?
A. Try to get her off.

Three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says “Ooooohhh that looks like semen.” She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says “It feels like semen.” The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says “It smells like semen.” Judi, the blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says “It doesn't taste like anyone in this building...”

Q. What is the difference between George W. Bush and Bill Clinton?
A. Bush keeps his Hummer in the garage.

Married men do not live longer than single men, it just feels that way.