Introduction

A self-help book once opened with the words, “Life is hard.” Yes, I know, a tired cliché.

But true.

Sometimes it is an exhausting struggle to stay one step ahead of the wave that threatens to crash down and envelop you.

There are people who have it good, going through life always able to ride the wave. I’m not suggesting they don’t have to struggle, but either they were taught well or learned early how to stay balanced. They live happily, and fulfill their dreams and aspirations.

Others, like me, fight on a daily basis to ride the wave, just hoping it doesn’t overtake them. And, when a big one comes and we go under, we find ourselves struggling for every breath, trying to stay alive, hoping we will soon rise to the surface. And you know what?

We always do.


Why I Wrote This Book

I am not a complainer, and I don’t want this book to serve as a sad and morbid story of my travails and seemingly constant self-destructive behavior. Instead, I want this book to show people what they can overcome, if they only have the desire and will. I want people to know my struggles, and I want them to learn from, and not make, the mistakes I made.

This is not to say I’m not gaining from writing my story. In fact, in many ways, it has been cathartic for me to put down on paper some of the things that happened to me and how I dealt with them. I want my children and my parents and my other living relatives to get to know me and why I am the way I am. I especially want my children to forgive me (I hope) for some of the terrible things I did to myself . . . and to them.

For twenty years now, I have helped women who might otherwise have had no place to go and no person to whom to turn when they decided to make an about-face in their lives and find the inner strength to leave an abusive relationship and start the healing process. That process often takes years of distance in order to gain perspective, and it often takes professional help. In helping these women, I have helped myself; I have turned from a victim into a healer.


The Roots of Abuse

In that same vein, I have dedicated my life to helping people understand the roots of abuse.

When confronted with the story of a woman who refuses to leave her husband despite suffering emotional and physical abuse, many say, “Well, why doesn’t she just leave?” or “That must be what she wants.” To be blunt, it is not that simple.

The roots of abuse can often be traced back to childhood experiences with a trusted relative or someone who calls him/herself a friend. Women then sometimes stay in abusive relationships because of a general feeling of being trapped—of being caught in a hunter’s snare, of struggling to free herself but seeing no option other than to chew her own leg off, wounding herself in the process of escaping.

Some women have few resources, either the emotional or material kind. Some do not have a reservoir of hope or the support of others; others feel love is worth fighting for, even if their spouses are abusive. Some lack the finances and/or education to move out and far enough away that abusers cannot find them.

Ultimately, however, fear keeps women in these relationships . . . fear of being alone . . . fear of not being able to take care of herself. It is the “deer caught in the headlights” syndrome. It is, quite simply, paralyzing.

And it is that paralysis that sometimes leads a woman to feel as if she has no way out other than suicide. And she tries. Once, twice, three times, maybe more.

Sadly, these attempts are sometimes successful. Even when they are not, the attempt itself is a cry for help, and one with ramifications far beyond the immediate need for “stabilization.” Feelings of guilt spread like cancer, and no one is immune. The woman who made the attempt feels guilty for putting her family and friends through the psychological trauma. Family and friends feel guilty for thinking they may either have done something wrong or not done enough to help. And, like cancer, guilt feeds upon itself, growing and growing until chasms develop in relationships—chasms that seem irreparable.

But the cycle can be stopped. Things can be repaired, healed, mended. It’s not easy and it often takes time, sometimes many years, but it can be done. It is POSSIBLE.

And that is true even more so today than it was thirty years ago when I went through the “cycle.” Back then, especially in small-town Texas, “wife beating” was a taboo topic—a dirty little secret many families were afraid or unwilling to confront.

In those days, throughout the country—indeed, throughout most of the world—that was true, but, today, things have changed. The media now often document the lives of such women, and there are hundreds, if not thousands, of shelters and organizations with the sole mission of taking care of abused women and their children.

I feel blessed now to be part of such an organization, and I have pledged my life to help others—to make sure they KNOW there are people out there who have fallen below the wave, like they have, but who have found their way back to the surface.