Excerpt From

Chapter 1

Then and, Now.

When I was a child, I was often quiet and shy. Sometimes this led
others to believe that I was a follower. I would listen carefully, not
agreeing or disagreeing, just accepting that there were different
viewpoints in the world. My parents never belittled or spoke poorly of
others. They encouraged respect for those of other races, religions,
and/or backgrounds. As a result I found it easy to enjoy the world
around me without the burden of bigotry to overcome. Luckily for me
even though the family I grew up in was not a wealthy one, they were
well-respected in the community as honest and hard-working.

I was eager to start school when I was six years old but my birthday
was in September, so the state considered me too young to begin school
that year. Because I wanted to start school so badly and my birthday
was within days of the cut-off date for Texas schools, my mother
went to the school that was in our district and asked if she and my dad
could pay extra tuition so that I might be allowed to start. My mom
first went to the principal who told her it was up to the school board;
she contacted the school board and after explaining the situation, they
complied with her request. However, on the first day of school, the
first grade teacher refused to teach me! I still remember the hurt look
on my mothers face as this woman told her that if my sister had not
been transferred out of the district, things would be different.

My mother then went back to the principal who told her that if the
teacher refused to teach me, there was nothing he could do. This
example shows very clearly why my parents felt that we would receive
better education elsewhere. They had transferred my sister to a larger
area school after about three years because it offered more scholastic
opportunities. Mother did not give up; she went to two other area
schools and offered to pay extra tuition so that I could enroll.
However, both of these schools were being more closely supervised
because of state funding and could not comply with the request. There
were no private schools in our community even if my parents could
have afforded the tuition, so there was nothing to do now but accept
that I would have to wait another year. I was disappointed, but Mother
made me feel good by telling me that she really wanted me with her
and was glad she would have me at home a little longer.

When I started school the following year, I realized that I was older
than most of the other children. Thus began the feeling that I did not
quite belong and that I should be smarter since I was older. This may
not be very logical thinking but it made perfect sense to me all the way
through the elementary years of my life. Of course this affected the
way I acted around others, both my peers and my teachers. I often
withdrew rather than risk their rejection or criticism. I enjoyed
weekends and summers, but I dreaded school from about the 5th
through the 8th grades. My favorite things were reading, going to
church, and family get-togethers. Being a shy child, I was very
appreciative of small kindnesses. This is probably quite common
among children that are more introverted than extroverted. On the
other hand small slights were given all too much attention.

During this period of time I can recall hearing some unkind gossip in
the girls rest room. I hid, and after the girls left I cried. I never hated
the girl that said the unkind things, but I never believed anything she
said for years afterward. Sometimes it seemed I could tell what people
were thinking just by observing their body language. This was not
something I wished to do or wanted to do, it just happened. There were
times when the message of their thoughts was so clear that it felt like I
was eavesdropping on their minds. This ability also gave me a
feeling of separateness from my peers. At the time it felt safer
observing rather than participating in life, less risk of rejection or hurt.

The year I went into the 9th grade was not so bad, there were new
activities and there were those that sought my friendship. Looking
back I am sure that they saw me as being non-threatening since they
were shy also. By the 10th grade I was starting to enjoy school life
more and no longer felt the need to be smarter than I was. I also
realized that I didnt have to be brilliant or witty to be liked. I could
just be myself (although I didnt always know who or what that was).
Unfortunately I blushed easily so others always knew when I was
embarrassed or upset. If I needed to recite something in front of the
class, I would get so scared that I could not speak. I now realize that
many people have this problem. It has nothing to do with how well
you know your subject or how intelligent you are. An introverted
person focuses on self and how everything affects him/her. An
extroverted person sees the whole world and himself as a single part of
the whole picture. His focus is the world around him and his place in
it.

There were many things happening in the world at this time in history.
I found myself thinking more about them and less about their direct
affect on me. Vietnam was a hot topic for adults and young alike.
While I did not understand what the war was all about or that it would
leave a lasting mark on all of us, I did understand that young men were
being sent everyday. I also knew that many of these soldiers would not
return home. Those that did return would be forever changed either
physically or mentally. At some point, I sent my name and address to a
newsletter that was forwarded to American soldiers in Vietnam. This
was a small thing, but it helped me feel that I was doing something to
perhaps help another human being know that he was not forgotten. My
parents were as bewildered by this war as everyone else. But they
understood and respected my need to contribute, even if it was to just
write letters of hope or encouragement.