TEEN TALK is much more than having “The Talk” with your teen. One serious talk with your teen is not enough to protect them from the everyday risks of growing up in the 21st century. Ideally, it is a lifetime full of critical dialogue as your child matures, using real-life examples as teachable moments. Instead of talking AT your teen, it is important to develop the critical skill of talking WITH your teen (easier said than done…I know!). The more you do it, the better you get. Teens are striving to develop their own unique identity, separate from yours. As much as you want them to follow in your footsteps, they have to walk in their own shoes on their own journey. That is the best gift you can give them as a parent. Your teen wants to feel like they have a voice that is being heard in your household. The secret for effective TEEN TALK is when you don’t agree with what they say, don’t judge, criticize, or try to give advice, just LISTEN. Listening does not mean that you have to approve or condone what they are saying. If you listen to them first and then explain your reasoning, you are being approachable. If you have not talked to your teen about serious issues, it is never too late to start. Every day is a new chance to do better than the day before.

YOU are the most powerful role model that your teen will EVER have. Your kids have been busy watching, listening, and imitating you all of their life. Whatever you are doing right or wrong, they will do too. Maybe they act like they do not care about what you say, think, or feel, but deep down they really do. Innately, we ALL want to please our parents and make them proud. Children learn what they live. If you yell and swear, then they will yell and swear. If you fight and hit, then they will fight and hit. Effective communication with your teen is #1 in importance for their future success and safety.

Hands down, parenting is the TOUGHEST job in the world. Unfortunately, your child did not come out of the womb with a manual. Each child born from the same set of parents can be as different as night and day. Issues that you have with one child will not be the same issues you have with another. Often to your frustration, what works with one fails miserably with the next. (Just when you thought you got it right!) I assure you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep trying different strategies until you find solutions that work. Never give up- their future success and safety depends on it.

TEEN TALK TIP: Your car is one of the best places to have TEEN TALK! Take advantage of the captive audience when your teen is in the car with you. Kids and parents both feel more comfortable talking about serious topics when they don’t have to make eye contact. The next time you get into your car, turn off the radio and tune into your teen!


2 – MAGICAL THINKING
The most IMPORTANT biological fact that you need to know about your teen is that their brain is not FULLY developed until their early to mid-twenties. (This is precisely why the legal drinking age is 21.) Their underdeveloped brain has not caught up with their overdeveloped body. Magical thinking means that teens do not have the critical brain function called “formal operational thinking”, which gives them the necessary skill of thinking ahead about the consequences of their actions. Teens think that they have magic invincible powers because their brain is not finished growing. They do not think bad things will happen to them because their brain is supporting those magical thoughts. Parents need to step in and become the “formal operational” part of their teen’s brain. Teens do not know what is best for them, but you do. You know through experience, as adults, that every action has a consequence. As a parent, you can help teach your teen how to be safe, smart, and successful by explaining the process of magical thinking to them.

Teens regretfully say to me all of the time in counseling that they did not think “IT” would happen to them. They are caught up living in the moment. When you tempt fate, it is just a matter of time before “IT” happens to you. “IT” can mean car accidents, teen pregnancy, date rape, abuse, addiction, arrest, sexually transmitted disease, etc. Sadly, their magical powers are not working and teens are making life-altering mistakes every single day.


#3 – RULES = LOVE

There is a growing trend in raising kids today that is called OVERINDULGENCE. Overindulgence can be with material things, not having the ability to say NO, failing to set limits, and not enforcing rules. Today it seems like more kids are in charge of their households than parents. Logically, you want the very best for your teen and want to give them what everyone else has or maybe what you never had while growing up. Unfortunately, not being able to say no to your teen, catering to their every whim and overindulgence is creating a distorted sense of entitlement in children of all ages. Parents who overindulge their kids are setting them up to become unmotivated, self-absorbed, and irresponsible young adults.

As a parent, it is your job to teach your teen right from wrong and create responsible, caring citizens who positively contribute to your family, our society, and the world. You are leading by example. Rules = love. Rules show kids that you love them, keep them safe, and keep you connected to their life. Kids thrive on structure and boundaries. Firm structure includes making and enforcing rules, establishing firm boundaries, monitoring their activities, and teaching effective life skills.