Excerpt

Am I the only one who uses turn signals? The police who should be the ones setting an example don't even do it. It takes such little effort. I always flash my bright lights whenever anyone in front of me changes lanes or turns without signaling. The police are no exception. I have flashed my lights so many times that it has become automatic.

What continues to amaze me is the person who cuts across three lanes of moving traffic with no signal, to get over to the left turn lane, a lane which is clearly marked and has a cement wall at the end. Then when he finally does get there, he begins signaling.

Whenever I do see someone signaling, it’s usually someone who is daydreaming and who put on their left turn signal about fifteen minutes ago. They can't hear the clicking and apparently never glance at the dash to see how fast they are going or whether they are about to run out of gas.

So at best a signal means that they might be turning. Of course, no signal means they may be turning also. I have a recurring fantasy about stopping one of these people some day and bashing out their brake lights. If they really want to keep people guessing, they should drive without brake lights.

My wife continually gets upset with me because I constantly swear at all the drivers who don’t signal. The drivers don’t hear me, of course, but she can. Can you blame her for getting upset? To be honest, it makes me feel good, so I continue to do it.

All this inconsiderate non-signaling was what prompted me to write this book. However, it still didn’t provide an answer to the question as to why people don’t use turn signals. So I started stopping people to ask them why. The following is a sample of the responses I received when I asked, “Would you mind telling me why you didn’t signal when you turned or changed lanes?”

Jose, a taxi driver: “¿Que?”

Mary, a housewife: “How can I be expected to be able to reach the control with this cell phone in my hand?”

John, a CIA agent: “That is classified information; if I tell you, I would then have to kill you.” (John, as you might have expected, was not his real name.)

Rabbi Schwartz: “I don’t have to answer to you. I answer to a higher authority.”

Bubba, a truck driver: “Fuck you.”

Maurice, a career criminal: “It was an illegal turn and I didn’t want to attract attention.”

Tony, a made man: “Fuhgeddaboudit.”

Blanche, a great-grandmother: “Could you speak up?”

Ralph, a known sex offender: “Sorry, but my left hand was occupied.”

Bigfoot, a Native American: “I think I did signal, and I’m not just blowing smoke.”

Larry, the cable guy: "Can I get back to you between eight and twelve tomorrow?"

So, as you can plainly see, there doesn’t seem to be a consensus. My only hope then is that as more people read this book I’ll have to do less flashing.

***

I'm sure that at one time or another we've all had moments of temporary insanity; nevertheless, we didn't run right out and kill someone. The sanity defense could be something to put on your tombstone (next to the pepperoni), but it’s certainly not a legitimate defense. I consider myself sane, and I know I wouldn't kill anyone. Couldn’t anyone who strays from the Golden Rule be considered a little off-kilter?

I think that it comes back to responsibility. No one seems to want to be responsible for his or her own acts. Maybe when you go before the judge and he asks how you plead, you can pick from a menu and make your choice from the following options:

Insanity
Temporary insanity
Abused child
Raised by a single parent
Poor
Couldn't get a job
I was drunk
I was on drugs
The Devil made me do it
Peer pressure
My parents said not to do it
I never had a dog
I heard voices