Excerpt

THE LONG ROAD BACK

I knew nothing of living alone and taking care of myself. I had no job, no experience, and no knowledge of the world. My husband took care of my living expenses until the divorce was final. Then I was to get a settlement. As soon as the divorce was final I lost all medical coverage that I had through his work. I received a small portion of what I had put into the house and half of his retirement. Fortunately I knew he had a retirement fund and that my name was on it too and he couldn’t take my name off without my signature. There is no such thing as a friendly divorce. It is all about money. I needed good legal council but unfortunately I didn’t know what to expect. Divorce should be viewed as any legal contract with no emotions attached. You need an attorney you can trust to go to war for you. I did not have that. My attorney did not do all she could have for me but I was relying on the reference of a friend and she was cheap.

With the settlement money I paid off a lot of business debt. I should not have done that but I didn’t have anyone to advise me. Not even family wanted to get involved with me on the excuse of “not taking sides”! So I had to go to strangers for advice. I had my car and my cat.

I had been looking for a job for months since the business where I was working closed. Every time I had an interview and they saw my age they would say that I didn’t “fit the profile” of the company. That meant I was an old lady.

I finally got a job in retail because that was the only place hiring. I endured long hours, working every weekend, working the day before and the day after every holiday (prohibiting any travel to see family), schedule changes to suit management, low pay, no benefits, hours on my feet, heavy lifting and a bullying manager, all for the privilege of taking home a little above minimum wage. I was working full time and I qualified for public assistance.

I looked into getting public assistance for job training but since I was working I did not qualify. If you can get any job you don’t qualify for training for a better one. At my age, 60 at the time, I couldn’t see putting several thousands of dollars into training to only be able to work for a few years. I wouldn’t be able to earn it back. That brings me back to retail and restaurants. Even though I am able to do clerical work, I don’t have much experience doing it and there are a lot of younger applicants who are always chosen first. I also do not qualify for Social Security benefits on my own record and my husband’s new wife will get his benefits. That paints a very bleak picture for the future of older women dumped in their “golden” years. Younger women should consider retraining. Consider taking a course that will get you into the workplace within a year. You can work on that career after you get your feet on the ground.

HAPPY ENDING

There is a God and He does smile on me. In my darkest hour, when I believed He had hidden his face from me, He sent an angel into my life. I met a man at my last job who understood what I was feeling even before I verbalized it. He knew the depth of my pain and in him was no criticism. He didn’t think I was stupid, or ugly, or lazy. He knew I was trying to the best of my ability to survive. He had experienced many of the same things I had during his life. He became my instant soul mate. I had never had a soul mate and didn’t know they could exist. He saw my damaged soul and didn’t turn me away. We were married in 6 weeks.

I had determined that from this point in my life forward I would not live it trying to please a man. This I did not have to do because he was pleased with just what he saw. I did not have to change anything to be accepted by him. I was loved for who I was, not how I could make him look. I was so shocked by this kind of love that I had to learn how to react to it. I didn’t need defenses anymore. I didn’t have to be careful what I said or who I saw or where I went. I was free to be me. That freed me to love him back and care for someone again. The numbness that had seared my heart began to fade and feelings that God Himself had put there began to return. I was becoming fully human again.

Over the years I have been able to completely stop all medication for panic attacks and depression. My blood pressure is normal, and my physical health has improved tremendously. I realized that most of my medical problems were related to stress. Peace has returned to my soul and I look forward to life again. I don’t need a man or children to complete me. I am a complete human being and others will have to accept me as I am or reject me, but I will not change for them. There is life after Hell. I am, and what I am is good.