Excerpt

THE DATING SERVICE

I’m sure most people have gotten an advertisement in the mail for dating services. I received one in the mail and did the dumbest thing. I opened it and read it. It seemed pretty legit and I’m sure I was in one of my lonely periods. Most of the times I went out with a wacko was because I was lonely. I usually got over my loneliness pretty quick during the actual date. Anyway, I called the service and made an appointment. The thing that impressed me initially was that they had you do some personality tests to make sure they set you up with someone who was compatible. I found out later, in the words of John, yeah…right.

By the end of the interview and testing, I was ready to sign up until I heard the price. They wanted over $1000 for setting you up with six dates. I told them that was way over my head financially and thank you, but no thank you. Then I left. A few days later, I received a phone call from the dating service. They said they had a policy where once a month, they would put everybody’s names in a hat, who had come into the dating service and looked like they would be a good one to put into the pool of members, but hadn’t become a member due to the cost. Then they would draw a “winner.” They had liked me when I had come in to inquire about the service, and had put my name in the drawing. Then they drew my name. I had won 12 free introductions. Looking back, I’m wondering if they really drew names, or just told me that they did, so that I would become a member. But, at the time, I thought, cool. I should’ve asked for the money.

The first guy the service set me up with seemed okay. His name was Ross and he was nice looking. We met for dinner at a little restaurant and seemed to hit it off. We talked for quite a while and made plans to get together again. I went over to his house and made him dinner. I thought that the dating service really knew what they were doing.

About a week later, Ross called and wanted to come over. I said sure. Then I realized that he sounded kind of funny. “Have you been drinking?” I asked him over the phone. “Well,” he said slowly. “A little.” “Where are you at?” I asked, trying to figure out how close he was to me. I was torn between telling him to go home and getting him off the road as quickly as possible. Turns out he was closer to me, so I prayed he wouldn’t hit anybody before he got to my place.

Ross showed up at my doorstep, and I helped him up the stairs. He took a few steps into my apartment and promptly walked into one of my walls. I helped him over to the couch where he laid down and fell asleep. I covered him up with an afghan. When my son Joshua came home that night, I said, “Do you see that guy on the couch?” He looked over and said, “Yeah”. I said, “Just ignore him.” “Okay,” replied Joshua, and off he went to bed.

The next morning, Ross got up, said goodbye, and drove to work. I called the dating service and told them what had happened. They said they couldn’t be responsible for their clients’ drinking. I told them not to send me any more guys who think that social drinking means “I can still stand up.” They said that they couldn’t guarantee that, and then they sent me number two.

Actually, I didn’t even meet number two. He called and we started talking. I don’t even remember his name, but I remember what we talked about. Within the space of about forty-five minutes, he had told me about his teenage daughter being molested by his ex-wife’s boyfriend and now she was living at a halfway house. I thought, why in the world would anyone think I would want to take on these kinds of problems? Why would you tell a complete stranger something like this? Especially someone you might want to go out with. Maybe it’s easier over the phone. Then he mentioned that he smoked. I had told the dating service specifically “no smokers”. He said he wouldn’t smoke when we met. I told him he didn’t understand. We weren’t going to meet. Period. Sorry. I especially felt bad for him when he told me that I was his first introduction. I told him he should have a serious talk with the dating service.

Number three was a guy named Doug. We decided to meet at a restaurant and I got there first. I was waiting in the lobby, watching the cars pulling in and saw a few guys who were by themselves get out of their cars. One by one they would walk into the restaurant and I’d look them over. Nope, I thought. Hmm..cute. Not in this lifetime. Married. I was still standing in the lobby when I saw this guy get out of a car and was hoping against hope this wasn’t him. This guy must’ve weighed 400 pounds. And as he got closer to the restaurant, he was obviously looking for someone. Must be me, I sighed. He looked at me and I said, “Doug?” He stuck out his hand and replied, “You must be Robin.”