Excerpt

There was an incident, many years ago, when Will was about six and James about three. I had been away for the afternoon, and when I returned I was met at the door by a distraught sitter and an anxious boy. The house was in a jumble, and I was immediately thrown into some form of distress. The sitter tried to talk, but Will moved right in front of her and demanded my attention. Our conversation began thus:

Will, you look upset!

I am, Mommy. Look. He held out his shaky pale fist and, as he opened it, revealed a small bunch of hair. It was not shorn hair; it was pulled, and, by the looks, a good-sized hunk, maybe an eighth of an inch in diameter.

Oooohh, I exclaimed with a worried voice and an upset face. what happened?

I pulled Jamies hair he immediately confessed, tears beginning to well up.

Ouch. That mustve hurt. I looked at Jamie, who was half smiling and looking inquisitively from Will to me and back again. Will then rolled up his sleeve to expose a fresh red bite mark on his shoulder. I wilted inside. My poor upset boys. I felt so many things: sad, scared, angry, curious. Fortunately, I had the composure to wait.

Oh, no! I exclaimed again, with measured concern. Man, you two mustve had a bad fight. Will nodded and Jamie, remembering now that he too was injured, rubbed his head and began to look upset. I thought quickly. I was distraught, not so much at their fighting or breaking family rules, but at the obvious pain that Will was in, thinking of the injury hed done to his brother. I could see it so clearly on his face. He began to ask me in a trembling voice, what his consequences were. I looked from one to the other. I got down on my knees to look into Wills troubled spirit. I could see it breaking in half. God came to my rescue and gave me the words.

Will, I began gently, I think youve already paid your consequences. He looked puzzled. How do you feel inside?

Bad, was all he could get out before the tears tumbled down his cheeks.

I know, it doesnt feel good when you hurt someone else, does it?

No. Snuffles. So what should be my consequences?

I think that feeling inside of you is your consequence. I waited a moment for him to take this in. And when I feel bad because Ive done something wrong, the first thing I do is tell God Im sorry. Then I tell the other person Im sorry. And I try to make it up to the person.

OK. He went over to Jamie and hugged him and said he was sorry. Jamie said the same thing, whether or not he got what was going on is still a mystery. But one thing is certain. It was the power and the grace of God that helped me avoid compounding the damage done to either child.

Had I reacted in anger to the evident turmoil when I first arrived home, the whole lesson would have been lost. Because God gave me the grace to pause when agitated,1I was able to help my child learn from the situation. He was able to sense what his true feelings were (guilt, sadness, hurt) and to learn how to make amends to someone. And I was able to see in a concrete way that in order to parent, I do not have to be in control leading, organizing, lecturing to make sure that my children get the lesson the way I think they should. I can help my children learn, standing next to them.