.Excerpt



Later that year, on October 31, a Sunday, after several changes in their schedule, my Mother and Aunt came for a short visit. This was special for me because I was going to have an ultrasound the very next day, and I could share the information about the baby with my mother. I wanted the occasion to be memorable, but never thought things were going to go so wrong when all I had planned was to know the babys sex.

We had a very happy Sunday at home with my Mother and Aunt. Mom had visited us before, but not my Aunt, so we toured Madison and the local attractions in the vicinity.

The following day I drove Eduardo to Preschool, as usual, but by the time I got back home, only a couple of hours before my appointment, I was overcome by sadness, and a sort of premonition that didnt let me think straight. I feared for the baby. I felt things were not going to be all right and I felt remorseful for demanding in my mind the past few months that my baby be a girl.

How stupid could I be! I repeated to myself. It doesnt matter if its a boy or a girl; I just want the baby to be safe and sound. But something deep inside was telling me that something might be wrong.

I felt so frightened. I remember breaking down and crying in my Mothers arms that morning. She was quite confused, and asked me what was going on but, all I could say was that I was scared, very scared.

No one would know then that those tears would only be the first of many more to come.

Before I went to meet Carlos at the hospital, I was reassured by my Mothers tenderness that told me everything was going to be all right. When I saw Carlos I told him I was scared, that I had a feeling that something was wrong with the baby. Then I heard my name. The nurse was calling me into the room where the scan would be performed.

The room was dimly lighted, with blue sheets on stretchers and several work stations. My heart skipped, as if it knew something wouldnt be right. Carlos and I went in, and the test began. By then, my priority had changed, I now wanted reassurance that the baby would be fine; its sex was a much lower priority. Only a few minutes after the test started, the radiologist began asking some questions that I felt were far from typical.

She first asked if this was our first baby. We said it was our second child. She then focused on whether there was any relative, including Eduardo, our firstborn, who suffered from any kidney condition. I looked at Carlos straight in the eye and told him with a shudder: Somethings wrong.

The study took about an hour, but it seemed endless to me because nobody explained what was going on. They just asked about kidney problems. They checked my kidneys and Carlos too, and we were told to see our doctor, that she would give us more information on the subject.

I left that room, my limbs frozen, unable to feel my own steps. I couldnt hold out any longer and cried. In Carlos arms, I repeated once and again: I knew there was something wrong. My babys not well. He hugged me and said: Ill stay close to you until we know whats really going on.

Pretending to be at ease, I called Mom while we were waiting to see the doctor. Holding back the tears, I told her we were going to take a while longer as things were not quite right. They had told us the baby was a boy, but there was something wrong with his kidneys, which made them think there was trouble ahead.

I knew there was something really bad with my little baby when I saw the doctors face as she came into the room. She explained that indeed, the baby was a little boy, but they had found cysts in his kidneys. She then referred me to a high-risk pregnancy specialist and to a geneticist, saying she couldnt discuss the situation further but the geneticist will contact us that afternoon to explain it in more detail.

From then on, a great silence fell on Carlos and me, a silence swamped with feelings that were far from pleasant: fright, grief, uncertainty, disappointment. This lasted until we got to the parking lot. He got in his truck. I drove my car to meet my Mother and Aunt, who were waiting for me in a nearby mall. I cried like a small child all the way there, without any regard for the people who saw me or heard me. I was too miserable to care what people might think.

When I saw Mom, I ran to her and said: My child is sick, theres something wrong with his kidneys, Im not quite sure what it is, all I know is that things are far from good.

I clung to her as I used to do as a child, trying to find comfort and a way out of my terrible grief. Then I lost track of time and instead of feeling twenty-eight, I felt I was five years old again, scared and running for the comfort only a mother can give.

We talked and talked about what had happened in the clinic while my Aunt watched us speechless. We got home shortly before Carlos, who picked Eduardo up at Preschool. He tried to go back to work but couldnt: our unborn son was all he could think of. What would happen to him? What was the actual problem?

Our home changed. The joy and happiness that were everywhere before had turned into uncertainty, sadness, and dread. Everything looked different: the furniture, daylight, Eduardos toys, everything was soaked with sadness and despair.

A while after Eduardo got home from Preschool I held him tightly, and told him sobbing: Mommys got a little boy in her belly, but hes not well. That makes me feel very sad. Were expecting the doctors to call about your little brother, but Im very sad and scared.

With his little eyes wide open, he asked me lovingly: Thats why youre crying? Yes, thats why I cry. I replied. With his little face full of life, the little boy hugged me, trying to reach my back with his short arms, and with his innocent, naive voice, began to tell me about his day at Preschool. By then, I was not myself; my mind felt blank, deaf, dumb, and joyless. It was as if my senses had stopped working. I couldnt see, I couldnt taste; I felt like a machine doing everything as if programmed.

The hours we spent waiting for the new doctor to call seemed like an eternity. Finally, I heard the phone ring and answered it shaking. It was a geneticist named Melissa, who explained very calmly what was happening. I had to go to the hospital before having breakfast for more thorough tests. She told me the place and time of my appointment.

I was still confused. I knew things were not well and that they wanted to study the case further, but I didnt have a clue about my babys real problem.