ffiExcerpt



Chapter 1

Dealing with Difficult People



Definition

At difficultpeople.org we define a difficult person as anyone who causes anyone else angst (distress, anxiety, unease, turmoil, disquiet, tumult, upset, agitation, perturbation).

Therefore: we are all difficult at times.

There are as many types of difficult people as there are difficult people

This is why it is so important to focus on a persons behaviors, i.e. very specifically what they do that frustrates/irritates you (and others). We are all different, and to be successful in working with others it helps tremendously to make an effort to understand them, their motivations, and their foibles and, yes, their good points, too. Sometimes just the effort we make in understanding them is enough to change the dynamics of our relationship with them to a more positive light.

You can only change yourself; you cannot change other people...directly.

We dont want anyone, even someone we are very close to and care a lot about, to tell us how we should be or how we should live our life. (Ask any couple!) We especially dont want a know-it-all colleague to do this. So if you have any thoughts about changing a difficult persons way of interacting with the world by telling them whats wrong with them, you better shift gears.

The only way you can change a difficult persons behavior toward you is to change your own behavior as you interact with them.

Think about this for a minute because this is crucial to your success and to understanding everything that follows in this book.

The only way you can change a difficult persons behavior toward you

IS

to change your own behavior.

You are probably reading this book because everything you have tried with this person in the past hasnt worked. Guess what? It aint going to work in the future either. Plan on making some personal changes in how you approach this person because It is the only way you will get to where you want to be: in control, calm, and successful.

Most difficult people do not know they are being difficult

This is one of my favorite difficult people statements because it is so hard to accept and understand. It took me a long time to realize that even the most obnoxious, controlling, rude, difficult person I ever worked with did not have a clue about how he came across to me and to others. His behavior was so outrageous that almost everyone I talked with used the big A word to describe him, including the VPs and the CEO of the organization.

We dont see ourselves as others see us. And that may go triple for really difficult people.

Sandra Crowe in Since Strangling isnt an Option takes this a step further: Difficult People are generally unaware of how they affect others. We feel as if they could care less about how they affect us, but often the truth is they really dont see how upset their behavior has made you. Yes, there are REALLY difficult people who dont care if they have upset you, and there are a few who seem to get a charge out of upsetting others. Luckily they are few and far between. We will address these severe behavior concerns near the end of the course.

Finding out what the difficult person wants, needs, or cares about is KEY to understanding and working successfully with them.

The more understanding we bring to our relationships with other people, the better our chances of being successful in our dealings/work with them. Sometimes our attention and understanding is all that is needed to change the dynamics of a difficult relationship. Dont expect them to necessarily reciprocate; just make the effort. You will learn a great deal about them and about yourself in the process and you will make a huge difference in the overall relationship.

You might find out that this person has some very admirable qualities. Sometimes it takes a good bit of patience and perseverance to get to this point. It is worth the effort!

The difficult person is getting a reward for his/her behavior

We all have learned to deal with the world and other people throughout our entire lifetime. Our behaviors, difficult or otherwise, are often the result of learned patterns that got us what we wanted or needed at some point in our life for example a ranting colleague probably learned that when he got upset and started yelling, people paid attention and he got what he wanted. These types of behaviors often have their roots in childhood. If it still works, why change?

Sometimes it is hard to pinpoint what a person could possibly gain from their impossible behavior, but it is there. Take away their reward (when they deal with you) and you take away the reason for the behavior to continue. Keep this important point in mind throughout this course. A ranting colleagues reward might be to see you get mad, or it might be to see you cower and run crying to the bathroom, or to cave in on some point. In any case, they may feel more powerful, in control, and better about themselves as a result of your reaction.

Reaction versus Response

When we are with a person who tends to really get to us, i.e. pushes our buttons, we tend to react based on our past experiences with them and based on our past relationships and reactions to difficulties with others. Reactions often become habits. One of the keys to being successful with difficult people in our lives is to gain control of our typical reactions, and to get to a point where we can choose our responses.

The best way to do this is to pay close attention to the situation from the get-go:

Stop that need to react and step back in your mind instantaneously and....