STARWARPED
E.C. "Doc" Lisic


Captain's log, stardate 3.1415927.

The crew of the U.S.S. Boobyprize is near mutiny. We have lost all sense of direction after entering the wormhole encountered within 1.52 parsecs of gamma Centauri nine. The fluxional wormhole appeared dead ahead in our path, with no way to evade it. Thus, a short time ago we were transported to a galaxy far, far away.

I, Captain James Timberius Jerk, do hereby pledge that I will get the crew of the Boobyprize safely to our home galaxy, even if it takes the whole of my miserable life. We are now embarking on a scouting mission to determine just where in the hell we actually are. Long range sensors have picked up energy readings on a nearby M-class planet. We are proceeding there at warped-5 in order to investigate the phenomenon. Hopefully, lifeforms encountered there may give us some answers. Captain's log out.

Captain Jerk sat in his turbo-sauna and contemplated over his Earl Grey tea the fate of the Boobyprize. The intercom crackled to life, warning him that the communication officer was trying to reach him.

"Captain Jerk, this is Lt.Yoohoora here, you sweet little devil. I just thought I'd inform you, honey cakes, that we are now receiving electromagnetic radiation from the planet in that solar system that we're heading for. All across the EM band, we got micro, ultraviolet, gamma, x-ray. Hell, we even got AM and FM radio. By the way you sure look sexy in those soap bubbles. Want me to come wash your back?"

"All right Yoohoora, I get the picture. And if I've told you once I've told you a hundred times, don't be so familiar with me over the Ship's intercom system! It's not good for crew morale. Anyway, what's Mister Scock have to say about the situation?"

"He's right here, honeypot, I'll let you talk to him."

Mister Scock appeared on the vidscreen. His slick, greasy blue-black hair glistened, and his pointy ears were red-tipped as usual. He struggled to get his head into the picture. After all, he was only four feet tall, but still, a decent size for a Skulcan elf.

"What's your assessment of the situation, Mister Scock?"

"I agree, Captain. Yoohoora is far too intimate with you over the shipwide intercom system."

"Dammit, that's not what I mean, Mister Scock. What's your assessment on that M-class planet?"

"I have finished my preliminary study, Captain. I believe it may be inhabited."

"You're a genius, Scock. Anything else?"

"No."

"Yoohoora, turn the monitor off, dang it. I wish you would quit spying on me when I'm dressing," Jerk said as he bent over in front of the vidscreen. He wore leopard skin print underwear, they were his favorite, and Yoohoora's too. "And one more thing, keep all radiation emissions from the ship to a minimum. I don't want anybody to know we're coming."

Jerk was in the Captain's chair on the bridge in no time at all. The ship had just come out of warped speed and had slowed down to sublight. The Boobyprize was well hidden behind the closest planet, an irregularly shaped gas giant. Instead of a ring-like accretion disk around the planet, some of the gas had collected at the poles in the form of a giant sombrero at one pole, and a Frisbee at the other. The planet reminded Jerk of a Mexican opera he'd seen once. A taco would be a great snack about now, Jerk thought.

Snapping his fingers, Jerk got immediate attention from the two gorgeous Yeomen, stationed at his elbow. They rubbed his arms and shoulder, pandering to his every need.

"Yes, sir?" inquired the redhead, Jerk's favorite.

"Bring me a taco," he commanded. "Oh yes," he waved her back, "and a bean burrito too, with that hot chili sauce." Jerk licked his lips. He loved that hot chili sauce.

While waiting on the microwave to finish warming up his snack, Jerk looked casually around the room at his veteran crew. Of course, behind him was Lt. Yoohoora, trying to show off her legs and get the Captain's attention. He couldn't help but notice the way that she squeezed the chair pedestal with those long, muscular legs covered in silky dark hose.

Jerk's eyes traveled next to the science station, where Mr. Scock stood in his chair to reach the console. Mr. Scock was fiddling with a serrated dial on the console with one hand, while pushing a lever in and out of the console with his other hand. He was obviously having his own brand of fun. The little elf-twerp was moody and highly emotional. If he wasn't smart as hell though, he could never have risen to second in command of the Boobyprize.

In front of the Captain's chair sat the helmsman Lt. Chop Suey and the navigator Ensign Pavlov Cjackoff. To his left a flurry of activity drew his attention to his old pal, Chief Engineer Snotty. He and Commander Snot had known each other for years and had shared many a young recruit over a beer.

"Ensign Cjackoff, please put the inhabited world on the view screen. Let's see what this planet looks like."

"Aye, Aye, Keptin," Cjackoff crisply chirped.

Also-ran filled the viewscreen. A small beautiful little agricultural world, it shone like an iridescent green star. The crew looked on in wonder.

"Nasty looking planet," quipped Mr. Scock. "Wet, lush with vegetation, there probably isn't even a factory down there."

"Maintain our position, Suey." Jerk munched on a taco as he studied the world. "Whatta they saying down there, Yoohoora?" Jerk said through a mouthful of synthetic chicken taco. He spat out a bone. He'd have to have Snotty calibrate the replicator again.

"They are speaking modern Galactic same as us. What a coincidence, huh?"

"Not really," piped in Mr. Scock. "How else would we understand them?"