My Kafka Moment

Im sure youre all up on your Franz Kafka reading, but in case you are not (for shame!), Kafka was an Existential writer whose stories dealt with the alienation of mankind in an unintelligible, hostile, and indifferent world, leaving him/her with a feeling of impotence. But enough review...

Halfway through a recent trip, I was shuttling between Oregon and Montana when (through no fault of my own) I suddenly lost my breakfast. By the time I reached Seattle, I was in no mood to get back on another plane, which was a good thing, because they wouldnt have me back. They did keep me on the plane and called for three jolly medics, who arrived swathed in costumes reminiscent of the Michelin Man. They poked and prodded and tested and pondered, but they could find nothing wrong.

We cant find anything wrong! they crowed.

Me: I feel fine now. Ill just be moving along.

Oh no! they chortled, We have to send you to the hospital!

Me: Why? You cant find anything wrong and I feel okay.

Thats it! they chuckled, If theres nothing wrong we send you to the hospital.

Me: But I...

It was then that I realized I was having a PKM (a Personal Kafka Moment). The next thing I knew I was in an emergency room being re-poked and re-prodded, only this time the theme was, Do you have any chest pains?

Me: No, but I sure could use some lunch.

Needless to say they found nothing wrong, and I passed all the tests with flying colors. Rather than make them happy, this seemed to depress them, and they ordered me to spend the night to be observed, desperate to assign me some illness.

Thus began The Night of the Three Questions. Every few hours a new nurse would come to my room and query one of three things: (1) how long have you had chest pains, (2) are you having chest pains now, (3) are your chest pains any worse?

They were trying to wear me down, but I would have none of it, patiently answering that I never had, did not have now, nor ever intended to have chest pains, and could I please have something to eat?

The next morning, as I was pacing around the cardiac care floor, a nurse said that I should slow down, as I was giving her chest pains! Must be contagious. Anyway, on one swing past my prison I saw the nurse reading my EKG and shaking her head.

She: Your EKG is perfect.

Me: Thats good, isnt it?

She: It shouldnt be, or why would you have chest pains?

Me: Sigh!

Finally the cardiologist showed up.

He: You are in fine shape, there is nothing wrong with your heart. Why are you here?

Me: Near as I can figure, it must be punishment for throwing up in the airport bathroom.

He: I think you are catching a cold. Please leave before you sneeze on me.

Me: Thank you.

As I sprinted to the elevator, I could picture the nurses all shaking their heads and saying to one another, She shouldnt be running so fast, what with her chest pains.

Me: AHRRRRGH!