Excerpt

A famous author once said he wrote his novels then cut the parts readers will skip. Doing the same Im left with mostly the exhilarating affairs Ive had with husbands and lovers. Among the many I may not include three I am ashamed of. Two I did for my present husbands benefit without him knowing.

I was born a blue eyed blonde with a pretty face. People said I should be in the movies. I develop a sensual figure when 14 that causes schoolboys to whistle and me to blush; people stare like Im naked. Im not. I have a phobic fear of a boy seeing me naked. I fall in love with Charles a month before Im 16 in spite of my terrible problems; I have two.

Im a puzzle to Charles, the only boy I ever dated. My fear of being seen naked by a male is called gymnophobia. It will have to be pitch-black dark to intimately neck. I also inherited the strong, impulsive passion of my father. Mother is glad to divorce my father when he gets a young girl pregnant; her brothers threatened to kill him. We leave Oklahoma and live with my grandpa in Pittsburgh until he dies. Mother goes out with men. One is special.

Mother remarries to Gus Bihler in the 1929 depression to give me and my year younger brother, Daniel, a home. Gus Bihler also needed a home for his son, Dan, who is 13. I am 11 in 1930 when we move to West Virginia where Mr. Bihler buys a house for nothing down. Mother rents her inherited Pittsburgh house for 12 dollars a month. Gus opens a wallpaper store in Moundsville that we all work in.

Before I pass puberty my best friend, Margie, tells me about sex and I dont believe her. I pass puberty and mother explains sex to me. Im shocked; people really do it like animals. I no longer want sex with a boy. I say, Ill never get married. Mother is amused.

Ive heard her and Gus make love. I assume its a wifes duty. But now Im bewildered that she must like sex. From touching myself I discover Ill like sex, but I had not expected the secret depravity to affect my loving mother.

Im a fast swimmer, faster than any boy in our High School pool. Two boys 16 ask me to swim the Ohio River with them. I smile. They want me along to be their life guard, knowing Im a powerful swimmer. I go with them and we never tell, because our parent would punish us.

Under my questioning, mother admits she didnt love Gus when they married. I accuse they went to bed together that very night. Mother smiles. Our honeymoon. We couldnt afford to leave you kids. I knew he would be a good provider for our family and I also knew he would be a good lover.

I didnt ask how she knew hed be a good lover. I assumed it was because they both had been married.

Mother changes personality at socials celebrations. She becomes the sparkling life of the party. She plays the piano and sings, and is always the best dancer. She is so popular Gus has to stand in line to get a dance with his wife. My brother and I are impressed, but the older Dan thinks his father shouldn't put up with her antics.

I had blanked my mind to the event that caused my phobia. My inherited sexual desires are abnormal for a girl. I worry about dating. Margie warns that necking is more intimate than just kissing on the mouth. After a couple of dates hell want kiss your breasts and more, if you let him. I know Id love that, but it would be wicked. I wont let him.

I love to swim. Every chance I get I walk up to the hill pond thats free to everyone. It is a beautiful place with bushes to hide and change clothes. Someone built a picnic table with benches and I sometimes bring a lunch. Im usually the last person to leave before dark.

Mother scolds me when I'm late for dinner. Some nights she lets me make the dinner. I beam when I get praised. My cooking talent lands me a job cooking for a small caf one month before Im 16. It is there that I meet Charles.

One morning when Gus left at dawn to go fishing, I enter mother's bedroom without knocking. She is sprawled nude sound asleep. She awakes and explains. Honey, Gus likes me to sleep nude with him. Many couples do, you know. I didnt know and the thought nauseates me. She assures me Someday you will enjoy nudity with a loving husband.

I shrug to indicate I might, but know I cant. On a rainy Sunday a week later I come home early from the Girl Scouts. The boys are gone. I come in by the back door quietly in case Gus is napping in his chair. I see he is in his chair. Before I sneak up to my room I see my 33 year old mother come shed her robe and jump onto his lap naked. I get away unseen. Im not surprised mother becomes pregnant. She told me, but not the boys, that she wanted his baby.

After dinner last night my brother is wiping the dishes as I wash. He says two guys will buy him a ticket to the matinee if Ill go to a night movie with them. I tell Daniel an emphatic, no! He shrugs. All the guys like you. You look sexy, you know.

I sigh. Daniel, I cant help it. You think of this. Youre starting to look handsome. Girls will be after you.

Instead of being alarmed he brightens to say, I hope so.