Excerpt





VAGINA ENVY

You know, Freud once said that you can tell a womans vagina about how tidy she keeps her house. I had no reason to doubt this 60 something Austrian woman born and bred in Vienna. After all, that is where the Grande- Papa of psychoanalysis was from. Good ole Sigmund...Sigmund Freud. Made his living off of exploiting upper-class women who went sobbing to him with their most intimate of detailed sad and sexually unfulfilled life secrets. Whats it all about...Sigmund?

My first trigger response to this is how on earth would he know? How would he know what it is like to be a vagina? The father of penis envy...how could or would he know what it is like to be a woman? An unsatisfied one at that? I wonder what Dr. Ruth or Dr. Laura would say about a womans vagina reflecting the tidiness of her house? Probably baloney, but who knows, ya know?

I am looking at my house now. Its neat. Basically clean. Not too much out of order. I guess I have an ordinary orderly vagina. I run a tight ship. Does that mean I have a tight vagina? God, I wonder what Freud would write about order and disorderliness...better yet the lawlessness or listlessness of a womans vagina? You know, when he was in his cocaine infused writing jags that he was allegedly to have suffered. It wouldnt surprise me if he were impotent.

I think that he assumed too much because he talked to vaginas all day long to pay his mortgage. I wonder if he ever fucked any of them? He is credited with knowing so much about the feminine psyche or he made women believe he did. But quite frankly Sigmund, I have never suffered from your penis envy. Who needs that thing dangling between your legs? Certainly not me. It would get in the way of a lot of stuff. Ill take my vagina any day of the week.... but tidiness of houses and care of the vagina? Im trying to fit that into a logical and cohesive manner. God what happens if a gal keeps a dirty house? A cluttered house? A messy house?

Ive never asked my gal pals about the state of their vaginas by the house they keep. Some of them keep ship-shape; tidy, spotless, white-glove proof houses. Others are festered with animal hairs and odors. Some are cluttered. Some are disorganized. Im sure if I asked them they would be willing to share with me the state of their vaginas. It would be food for thought, if anything.

Its uncanny. Lots of married women I know complain or remark that they dont have sex with their husbands anymore. I hear the same thing from my single women friends. Is everybody too tired for sex? Or have they stopped putting it as a priority? I wonder if Freud ever made any inquiries about the tidiness of a house and the level of sexual activity? The more the disarray of the house...does that mean the more sex? The looser the sex? Or, the cleaner and the neater of the house...does that mean the vagina is more prone to be uptight?

It would be an interesting hypothesis. If women have neat, tidy and immaculate houses...do they have more sex, less sex, or no sex? Or is it just a bogus premise? Or, take it to another dimension...the more the house has that lived in look, you know, broken in....not immaculate but not dirty...does this chick have more sex, less sex or no sex? Now I am 100% curious. I am going to visit all of my girlfriends, gay-straight-bi, married-widowed-divorced-single and look at their houses. Is it tidy or untidy? Is she tight or uptight? Is she having sex or not? Whats the deal?

No wonder men drive themselves nuts for women. Women are mysterious. The womens vagina is the eighth great wonder of the universe. Men contrive and concoct all different ways on how to get into it. How are they going to enter that locked box? Women muse when will men ever get the secret formula for a womans total fulfillment? What will make a woman want a man to enter her sacred space? Women wonder if a man will ever cultivate the time to really know about a womans proper working order? To study the vagina and its surrounding territory?

So Sigmund, I know that you are not here to defend yourself. I would like to know how you came to some of your conclusions? Did you fuck any or all of your patients? Did you make house calls? What if someone else was keeping her house? Does that mean that the man of the house was seeking alternate vaginas to satisfy his urgings? Its a lot of work to put up fronts for the woman of the house. Social veils. A tidy house equals a tidy vagina? Maybe the woman didnt have the emotional luxury of enjoying sex.

No wonder all the women you analyzed were hysterical Sigmund-you made them that way. You were a man. What on earth did you know? I think you hated women. I think you were envious of them. I think that you were at a loss. A loss about their innate wisdom. Sigmund, you screwed up and exploited women. All the damn shrinks have to study you drug-induced insights. If its male psychiatrists then they pass down your lore to their poor female clients. The beat goes on.

All I can say Sigmund is if women talk...listen. Listen to what they are really saying. Listen to what they are really saying because women say the darndest things. Sigmund, you suffered from latent vagina envy. Have could you ever allude to penetrating the female psyche, after all, you were just a man.