Excerpt

From the Introduction by the Author:

I am an atheist, and you may be wondering, Why would an atheist write a book about God? The main reason is that so many people to whom I am close believe in God, that its natural for me to think about the subject. I asked myself, If I tried to believe in God, what kind of God could I possibly imagine? That was the genesis (no pun intended) for this book.

Manifestations of God are everywhere. In the former CBS TV show, Joan of Arcadia, God pops up as everything from a black woman in the school cafeteria to a plumber fixing the leak in Joans familys sink. Giant billboards appear on highways all across America sporting pithy sayings attributed to God. A best-selling book relates Conversations with God. Even DeBeers diamond ads are invoking Gods creativeness. Millions of Americans are thrilled by this new focus on God. And millions of others dont know what to make of it.

A lot of the people I meet arent quite sure where they stand with God, or at least with all this talk of God. As an atheist, I dont find it useful or believable that there is any sort of planning, thinking, organized force or deity that creates and controls the universe or anything IN the universe. But my entire life, I have been surrounded by and affected by people who have strong faith in that God, and so I have spent a lot of time thinking about what such a traditional God would really think if God existed.

For this book, I created two characters. Jeremiah is Gods Press Secretary, and is prone, like most press secretaries, to poor jokes, evasive answers, and a desire to keep the press happy. A press secretary is someone who speaks on behalf of his or her boss to electronic and print reporters. The press secretary can answer questions when the boss is not available. Their answers are considered official. They represent what the boss would say if he or she were there. Members of the press ask questions, so in this case, the press is you and people like you.

The other character is God not a human or even a living character, but simply a presence that must always be true to its nature. The answers Jeremiah gives are my version of this reality that is a product of my imagination.

If you are looking for a traditional book on God that reinforces mainstream perspectives, read no further. This book is not for you. The God I envision, the God that answers these questions, is not mainstream. What you are about to read is satire which, like most satire, also has a serious message to convey.

The answers from God are presented according to various categories, specifically: Being God, Creation, Life, Death and Dying, Religion, War and Other Nasty Behavior, Culture and Society, Morality, and Humanity.

And so, I will now turn the podium over to Jeremiah to reveal the answers to your questions. The press conference is about to begin. Youve each been given a special Press Pass. Please enter the auditorium quietly and find your seats.

#1. GOD, WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU? ARE YOU REAL?
We (the God Administration) like your questions a lot. We will answer first with our own question. What is gravity? Were not asking what it DOES, but what IS it? It is everywhere in the universe, but you cannot see it or touch it. Everything has gravity, even you. It is impossible to remove gravity from a thing without destroying the thing. It is an energy that is part of everything. Some people think of God the same way, as an energy that is part of everything. God is not a person, so dont try to think of God that way.

#33. IS IT TRUE THAT CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS?
You get no points with God for washing behind your ears and scrubbing your fingernails. Who do you think created dirt in the first place?

#35. DOES GOD RESPOND TO SACRIFICES?
Why would God create things and then demand that those things be destroyed? God does not need appeasing. God is not some flamboyant hotel manager who decides to make your life miserable and hopes youll slip him a little something on the side.

#42. HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN ON HUMAN FORM AND APPEARED AMONG US?
God is not coming to Earth. God is not your father. God is not your mother. And God is not the man upstairs. Please stop saying that! It makes God sound like a boarder who could come galumphing down the steps any minute, demanding more hot water and some clean sheets.

#108. WHY DOES EVERYTHING GOD MAKES DIE?
Well, would you prefer that it all lasted forever? In fact, would YOU want to last forever? And how does your family feel about that? (Just kidding!) Wouldnt that screw up the actuarial tables and pretty much put all the life insurance agents out of a job? Hmmm. Come to think of it

#126. ARE YOU ALSO THE PRESS SECRETARY FOR JESUS AND THE HOLY SPIRIT?
No. Jesus already has enough people who THINK they speak for him.

#187. WHERE DOES HAPPINESS LIE?
God is not a Happiness Machine, popping out a different color of happiness for each person like some kind of infinite Pez Dispenser. The key to happiness is to learn what makes you truly happy and try your best to achieve it. Your happiness is not Gods concern. God is not out to make you miserable, either. Your life is mostly in your hands. Some of the poorest people on Earth are the happiest. Some of the richest are happy, too. Happiness, like disease, will find those who look for and expect it.

#238. WHY DOES GOD LET VILE PEOPLE PROCREATE?
Its funny, but the vile people asked the same question about you.