This excerpt is from the groups fifth Meeting. The topic being talked about is We Were So Often Alone.

My parents didnt have a washing machine, so I was the one who went to the Laundromat to do the wash. When there was money for it. While I did the laundry, my dad would sit across the street in a tavern. We often had to plead with Mom and Dad to come home because we didnt have clean clothes, like I said in my poem. Many times when they didnt come home, Id go through the laundry and dig up what I wanted to wear, then wash it by hand and iron it dry.

I remember one time we spent months without a hot water heater. Dad bought two large kettles and we boiled and carried water to take a bath or do the dishes. But they always had the money to go to the bar, Lindas voice hardened as she spoke. She sounded angry.

Something clicked for Anne as Linda spoke. Thats probably why Linda is so meticulous about her appearance now, because she always had to struggle just to have clean clothes as a kid. That became a real priority for her. Looking at her now, youd never know she once had to scrounge for clean clothes, Anne thought. Tonight Linda wore a skirt and jacket in this seasons new colors. Her bag and shoes matched. She had delicate earrings on, picking up the colors of her outfit. And eye shadow hinting at the same color. Everything seems just right, Anne thought, realizing she was a much more practical dresser. Even though Anne liked nice clothes, she was conservative in both spending and tastes.

Linda continued, My parents still drink. I see their car at the bar when I drive by, and I think, What will they buy their next water heater with? Money for booze always came first, Linda finished.

Susan decided to go next. Looking back at her childhood was not easy. Speaking without crying will be a miracle, she thought.

Since I never saw my father drink, Susan spoke up slowly, I had very different experiences. Dad was always distant, uninvolved. At report card time Mom made a ceremony of us appearing before him. It was a terrifying event. I was lucky because my grades were good, but I knew my brothers and sisters werent perfect enough, and Dad would disapprove. Id feel guilty and sorry and afraid for them. For me it was, Go on being good so I can continue to be proud of you and ignore you.

The password was tension, right, Susan? Trina asked.

Good way to put it.

Michael pushed up his sweatshirt sleeves as he began to speak. I remember feeling odd because my dad was different from the other kids fathers. My dad wasnt as nice as their fathers. But I didnt want to tell anybody I didnt have a really great Dad. I never had kids over from school. I didnt want anybody to see what he was like. I wanted them to think I had just as good a Dad as they had.

When I was around eight or nine, Dad was drinking heavily. I remember when I went to school, I wouldnt really think about it. But as soon as it was time for Dad to come home, I would start getting afraid and wondering, Is he going to be drunk tonight? Is he going to start yelling tonight? And whenever he was drunk, everybody but Dad got away. We would leave the house, just because he was there.

I felt alone most of the time, and whenever weather permitted, I would walk the countryside or go swimming in a nearby lake, just to get away from the oppressive atmosphere. Having close friends was impossible because of the secrets and just plain bad manners, so I rode my bike or walked in the woods alone, dreaming of a better day.

I didnt tell my friends at school because I thought theyd think I was strange, Michael said.

I never told, either, Linda said. We kept so many family secrets. Who could have lived with that embarrassment?

One of the most difficult things that happened to me that I still deal with was the verbal belittling I got from my parents. They told me I was a mistake, not to mention a girl. I felt alone for years regardless of how hard I tried to fit in a family or a group.

Michael groaned inwardly when he heard Linda say she was a mistake. How could parents ever tell a child that? He wondered if subconsciously he was thinking the same thing about his wifes possible pregnancy. What a horrible thought. A persons life was a mistake. He fidgeted nervously, anxious for tonights meeting to end.

He looked up as Szifra asked Anne if she had anything else shed like to share.

I feel funny because I remember so little, Anne said. My sister gets angry with me because I dont remember things. Shell call me with what she thinks is a great piece of news about someone, and then I cant even remember who the person is shes talking about. She screams at me, How could you forget? It makes me feel dumb.

I hope you can understand, Anne, that what you did was block those feelings and memories, Szifra said. It was all part of the role you took on as a child to survive. Well be talking more about roles in this group. When you consider you survived more effectively by blocking memories, and your sister by going to club meetings, it only makes sense that you two would have different memories